Zutto
by BlatantCorruption
Summary: “Forever and ever. Until there’s nothing left of me or you but what I felt and what I will always carry with me…even beyond…forever.”


Zutto By: chocolatefeet  
  
A/N: This lil' piece of work is the result of reading (and crying over) Fields of Gold by Clear Skies for the 2000th time. Honestly, you'd think by now I could read it without a box of Kleenex beside me...Just an idea that came to me. You know how it is.  
  
Warnings: this fic is Daiken, my one true love and one-sided and nothing real harmful unless you're a rampant flamer. Which I must say are a dying race. Nothing that goes past shounen-ai. And to Zepphnex661, who wants to know where I'm hiding all the good stuff, it's coming soon, my friend, very soon.  
  
Disclaimer: Digimon don't belong to me. Chocolate pudding don't belong to me. Funky tinfoil sculpture don't belong to me...this list could go on forever.  
  
---  
  
You knew this day would come, my mind chides me as I once again adjust my bowtie in the large mirror in the dressing room. You knew for years and simply lived in denial, refusing to believe it, even though it's here.  
  
It's just like my own mind to turn against me on the hardest day of my life so far. It's bad enough that since they announced their engagement, I've realized how transparent I've been all along. I sigh at the memory of Miyako's gentle breaking of the news, Ken's eyes; full of hope that he would not take it badly. Hikari's quiet sympathy, Takeru's attempts to "get his mind off things", and did no one ever realize that maybe I didn't want their help?  
  
No, I can't blame them. They were being good friends. The best I've ever had. Especially Ken. So perfect, in fact, that I had to go and fall in love with him when I was fourteen. I still fall into the memories as easily as if they took place yesterday. His dark hair falling against his pale skin in the late autumn wind and the way every smile seemed like it was meant just for me.  
  
I fell so fast, and so hard, that I never realized what was going on until the day when a simple touch of his hand on my shoulder caused my heart to beat so fast I thought it would burst from my chest and soar into the infinite. In those days I lived for the sound of his soft, deep voice, the laughter that rang forth, it's sound sweeter than any my young ears had ever heard. I was deeply, madly, hopelessly, passionately in love with my best friend.  
  
I never told him...at first because I was afraid. And then because I was unsure. And now because...  
  
Because I've finally realized that it's hopeless? Or have I? Deep down, do I expect him to turn around and declare his love for me, so we can live happily after, cliché and laughable though it may sound?  
  
I'm losing him. I can feel the panic rising inside, overtaking every other emotion. Today, I'm going to lose him for real. I'll be his best friend, always, but from now on, his best friend will just be a secondary role in his life. He'll have his wife...and someday, his children. I know we'll always be friends, but no matter what anyone says, it's never going to be the same. He was never even mine, and now I'm losing him for good. And the worst part is, he knew all along. How could I have been so naïve as to not notice that he knew? He's a genius, for God's sake. I mean, he's probably one of the most intelligent people I know, not to mention perceptive. And I was pretty transparent about what I felt for him, in hindsight. Come to think of it, I was so obvious, at times, it would have taken a complete fool not to realize what I was getting at. So why did he never mention it? Several possible reasons. Maybe he guessed it was just a crush, and thought I would get over it in time. Maybe he didn't like me that way and wanted to spare my feelings.  
  
I had set myself up into a trance of 'best-friends-become-so-much-more, was so thoroughly convinced I had walked right into a dramatic tale of unrequited love, that I never realized who I was talking about: Ken. Ken would realize.  
  
And he said nothing, not one thing during the eight years I secretly pined after him, not letting on that he knew until the day he told me he was getting married. I found out that he knew I loved him on the same day I found out that he was in love with someone else. Everything made sense, from the gentle way he made sure he spent time with me even while dating Miyako, the calm reaction to the drunken kiss I stole when we were sixteen, to the way he always made sure I came first in his life.  
  
He always made my happiness his main priority. Don't I owe him the same? Finding the stifling June heat of the church oppressing, I walked out of the side doors into the garden. It was small, with just a bench, and a pond, and two sakura trees shedding their pink leaves like tears. I sat on the bench, buried my head in my hands, and thought.  
  
Ken had never told me outright that he knew, not even on that fateful day. I simply could tell from the look in his eyes, and the way he was acting – as though I might break at any moment. Some of the deepest parts of our friendship have been forged without words, some of our understandings come to being in companionable silence.  
  
"You better not have lost the rings." His low melodious tenor washes over me, soothing away my fears and hurts and doubts. I turn and see him standing behind me. He walks to the pond, staring out over the still water. It's small and obviously man-made, with no pretense at being natural. But there's something that's humbly beautiful about its honest forgery.  
  
There's silence between us for a moment, neither comfortable nor uncomfortable. It's simply there.  
  
"You loved me once, Daisuke," he says finally, staring out at the small pond, water nearly drowned in falling sakura blossoms. It's not a question, though I know he expects an answer.  
  
My hearts nearly stopped. And yet – what more need was there to lie to him? Eight years of hiding my secret. Eight years waiting for him to realize that he felt the same way. Eight years before I realized that his smile was meant for someone besides me.  
  
"Yes. I still do. And I always will." The weight never lifted from my heart, even as he turned towards me, confirmation and sympathy brimming in his kind violet eyes. I stepped closer to him. "Forever and ever. Until there's nothing left of me or you but what I felt and what I will always carry with me...even beyond...forever."  
  
He closes his eyes and for a moment I think he might cry. But he opens them again to meet with mine. "You know that I love her." His voice is barely above a whisper.  
  
Yes. I know. And it's never once stopped hurting. But that doesn't matter, as long as you are happy. I never thought that could be true when I first fell in love with you – I thought my happiness would depend on waking to your gentle smile very day for the rest of my life. And now you're growing up before my eyes, marrying the woman you said was the love of your life...and deep inside, past all the pain and regrets and bitter lost chances, I'm happy, Ken, truly happy. Because I can see the light come into your eyes when you look at her. I can see how much you love her. How much she means to you. You're happy, Ken.  
  
"I know." I say after a pause.  
  
"And you don't hate me?"  
  
How can I when I see the pure, undiluted happiness in your smile when she enters the room?  
  
"Never."  
  
He takes a deep breath, and holds out his hand as the church bell starts tolling. "Well, don't want to be late for my own wedding. Ready, Daisuke?" And it's no longer the case of now or never I thought it would be. No longer the romantic drama I envisioned as a teenager, of Ken realising that I was the one.  
  
Forever, and even beyond, to the farthest reaches of eternity, my love for you will watch quietly through the years, and grow each and every day. You'll be happy. And that's enough.  
  
I take his hand and smile, no longer hiding the pain – it's useless, he knows it's there. Never could hide anything from him. We walk back to the small white church as the light pink petals fall like kisses all around us.  
  
You knew this day would come, my mind repeats, almost like a chant. We enter the doors. One door closes, another opens.  
  
And I welcomed it, I reply silently.  
  
---  
  
OWARI  
  
A/N: Wow, that was actually fun to write! Yay, angst with a sweet ending!! :cheers: I do so adore Daikensuke, it's ever so sweet. But lately I'm becoming a Kenyako fan. :sigh: But it seems that the Daikensuke fandom is dead. If anyone knows of any good Daiken/Kensuke fics, will you please pass them on to me?  
  
Please read and review...well, if you've gotten this far, I suppose you've read it. But please review? Really, it only takes 5 seconds and it really means a lot to me. ^^ Thankies!!!  
  
Just in case anybody is interested, I do request fics -mostly due to my lack of creativity. So if you want a story written, send me what you want and I'll do my best to deliver.  
  
E-mail: all_your_bass42@hotmail.com 


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